THE DANGER OF PATERNALISM
Paternalism is an unhealthy relationship where a stronger person or organization dominates and controls a weaker one through generous help. We give, and along with the gift, we control. We provide and keep them dependent. Because we believe they can’t learn, we don’t teach them and give them responsibility that could lead to independence. We may think, “To give is already a stretch, and now you are asking me to teach besides; that’s just too much.” For example, it’s easier for me to make a meal than to take the time to teach my daughter how to make one. It’s more laborious and time consuming to help this awkward and inexperienced child to measure, cut, mix, fry, boil or bake, than to do it myself. Giving and providing is only half the job if we want to help someone. To train someone for independent living costs much more.
An extreme example of paternalism is a helicopter mom who suffers separation anxiety when she says good-bye to her child who leaves for college. Mother wants to call every day to see how her child is doing. At every freshman orientation, the college makes sure that parents know it is not OK to do this. The child needs to be their own. The parents are told, “Your kid will do just fine. Just relax.”
The key to a healthy relationship is to support children while they are dependent children. At the same time, they need to be trained to obey, learn from their parents, and help around the house to their level of ability. At times, they need to be corrected and disciplined if they prove to be rebellious. At home, they learn to abide by the rules of the house. At an appropriate time, children will receive their parents’ encouragement and blessing when they leave for college, military service, or get married. Parents may be quaking, afraid that their children will mess up, but they need to let them go and allow them to learn on their own and suffer the consequences of their own errors. This is exactly how they once learned when they started their new home.
In a similar way, new converts must be trained and encouraged to lead and train others. Mistakes are bound to occur as we do this. Sometimes, we give too much freedom and responsibility too soon, and at other times a person may demand a position when they are not ready. For this reason Paul warned that an overseer “must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited” (1 Timothy 3:6).
Paternalism was often practiced by the mother churches of chapels (emerging churches). For example, chapels usually received financial subsidies from larger, more prosperous churches; but the larger churches also controlled the chapel. Moreover, the chapel people couldn’t adequately fill the roles established by the sponsoring church. Consequently, these roles continued to be filled, year after year, by more capable people from the sponsoring church. For example, a Sunday school teacher may not mentor and give opportunity to a chapel member. Instead, she continues on in her position because, in her opinion, no one else can do the job as well as she. Or the highly principled teacher does not allow the lesson to be “watered down” by choosing material that is easier to both understand and easier to teach. Unfortunately, however, when converts are not trained to fill roles of ministry and leadership, they continue to act like Sunday school children.
The Christian Reformed Church at one time had a fund for smaller churches. The number of these churches was increasing due to the migration of people from rural areas to urban centers. The youth of the church did not see opportunity on the farm and were going away for better jobs or a higher education in the cities. With declining membership, these rural churches could not pay denominational ministry shares, nor could they keep on paying an adequate salary for a full-time pastor. You see, a full-time pastorate was something the people expected and the denomination demanded of its clergy. Consequently, these churches were in a difficult situation. The people of the church had been trained to demand a full-time seminary-trained clergy person and, to complicate matters, the denomination imposed a salary standard as well. Pastors were not trained to seek non-pastoral positions. Lay people were not trained to fill the pulpit or allowed to administer the sacraments. Eventually, the denomination decided that the growing number of smaller dependent churches could not be supported in this way. Denominational aid was gradually reduced and finally eliminated. Many pastors left these churches and the churches closed. Others continued on with lay leadership and interim or bi-vocational pastors.
The cycle of paternalism was broken, but I have not heard where it has led to growth. The hemorrhage of funds allocated to non-growing, shrinking congregations has stopped. In its place, Home Missions and classical renewal have had only limited success in motivating small, struggling churches to grow. Sometimes the strategy is to shut down the old and rebirth a new church with people who have dedicated themselves to a new, evangelistic church plant.
Diaconal aid can also be given in a paternalistic way. This is done when the deacons help a family with the expectation that those on the receiving end will show gratitude by attending church, and/or finding employment. If the needy family doesn’t fulfill expectations, the relationship sours. It is better to help just to be helping without requiring anything in return. Then the recipients are free to not follow us, and we are free to stop aid.
Sometimes our feelings of compassion are so great that we do not allow someone to suffer the consequences of their own unsustainable stubborn foolishness. The book of Proverbs has a lot to say about the consequences of foolishness. Here are some examples. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction” (Proverbs 1:7). “For the waywardness of the simple will kill them, and the complacency of fools will destroy them” (Proverbs 1:32). “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down” (Proverbs 14:1). There are many more such passages. By jumping in too soon, or by helping too much, we do not allow God to speak to the conscience through the suffering that he inflicts. Sometimes a person will hear God speak through a chaplain in jail when he has refused to hear the preacher in church. It was while feeding pigs that the prodigal son’s conscience was pricked and he came to his senses and decided to return to his father (Luke 15:17-20). It is good to show mercy and to alleviate pain, but there are many situations where it is best not to help, but to allow the person to suffer consequences of their foolish actions.
An example might be that of a believing mother with children who continues to live with her idle, addicted husband. She enables his vice by calling his employer, “Henry can’t come to work today. He’s sick.” The church may help once when a shutoff notice comes from the electric company, but it does not help a second time. Although the church has the financial resources to pay the bill again, it may tell her, “This situation is unsustainable. We won’t be part of enabling this man in his waywardness. If you want us to, we can help you find a place at a women’s shelter.” But she refuses. She doesn’t want to confront her husband by telling him that she is going to move out if he doesn’t seek help for his addiction. She’s afraid of his rejection and anger. Eventually the day comes when the electricity is shut off or an eviction notice arrives for unpaid rent. Now she has to move. What she so dreaded has happened. She has become the victim of inaction. A positive outcome would be more likely had she acted in faith and confronted her husband sooner rather than later.
My wife and I regularly give rides for people to make it easier for them to come to church. We hope that once they know the way and like it, they will make it to church on their own. Other times there is a real need and we do this for a long time. I have seen people walk three miles to do business or shop, but they were not willing to walk a mile to church. If there is no ride, they do not come even though they could walk.
Eventually, all such help in providing a ride has to come to an end. Considering this, I am slow to offer a ride to church. I’ll encourage the person “without wheels” to ask another family member for a ride, or maybe a friend or neighbor. If they take the challenge and are enthused about the faith, this could be their way of inviting someone to church and at the same time sharing their faith
Some people in desperate need will seek a ride, or some money, or some other benefit. Their reliance is on material things to fulfill their desires. Others will wait on the Lord. They will pray and will obey God even if abandoned, even if it hurts. They will wait till God opens the door. We may pray with them, giving them nothing but ourselves, and when the answer comes, they know it was God and not us. We can be agents of God’s grace, but often we get in the way by giving things and wanting some of the credit. Some are users of God’s benefits for their own agenda, others are submissive followers. We, too, can have our agenda and not allow God to have his way. Let us not create paternalistic dependence!