MEETING AND MAKING FRIENDS
Building relationships is key to effective evangelism and discipleship. To build relations we must first make contact. We can only lead and teach if we have built a relationship of trust. People need to know that we, like them, struggle with sin, confess it, and yield to God. They need to know that if we were in their situation, we would do what we tell them to do. Like Paul, we want to be like a nursing mother who cares for her children, sharing not only the gospel but also “our very lives” (1 Thessalonians 2:7, 8), and like a father who encourages, comforts and urges his children to live lives worthy of God (1 Thessalonians 2:11,12).
We may be tempted to say that we don’t have time to make contact with those of the struggling class. Let’s confess it—we don’t have time because our lives are filled with us. Our lives are filled with activities centered on our family, school, job and church, and all of these ties are in suburbia. Probably more than anyone else in the church the pastor is isolated from people of the struggling class. The deacons work with outreach ministry to the poor. The evangelism director deals with programs like Vacation Bible School. A missions committee maintains contact with missionary support, both local and foreign.
However, the pastor works most closely with the leadership in the council of elders and deacons. This is very important because each one would like to pull the pastor in one direction or another, and in the midst of them, the pastor is trying to lead and urge the whole group to follow the Lord’s will as preached and taught from the Word from week to week. The pastor, too, will need to visit the sick, those in crises, those who have gone astray, and encourage the discouraged. The sheep of the flock, often wounded and scared, need attention. The elders of the congregation should be leading this work, but often they will excuse themselves, “I’m too busy this week.” Or, “Pastor, you can do it so much better.” So, how is the pastor to break out of this loving community and venture into a neighborhood where he is a stranger, and knock on the door of people who may not want him there. To break out, the pastor needs to consciously make time, find that contact, and make that call. The strugglers are not coming to him, so he has to go out to them.
The suburban church of Reformed persuasion generally grows biologically. Christian families have children and send them to Christian schools and bring them to church. These children attend church school; and when they profess their faith usually take a pre-profession course. This is a family nurture and academic process to mold the faith and character of those who have been born to believing parents. The emphasis is upon conserving those who have been born into a church family.
However, the biological method of church growth and evangelism has encountered hard times. The almost universal use of contraceptives has led to families limiting the number of children to three or less. It’s a recipe for zero growth.
One way of making friendships with those outside the fellowship of the church is through marriage. It’s highly discouraged but church youth will occasionally date and marry someone from outside of this community. The probability of losing our youth through marriage to an outsider is as high as it is for gaining the outsider. If the outsider decides to affiliate with the church, he or she needs to adopt this cultural and educational system. Some do this and thrive and even become leaders in the church. Others don’t thrive but tolerate the system for their family’s sake.
The high cost of Christian school education effectively excludes children of the struggling class. Parents are drawn to and promote the education of their children whether at Christian schools or public schools. Thus, the acquaintances of parents involved in the education of their children at Christian schools are quite distinct from those of parents who are involved with PTA, games, etc. at the public schools where their children attend. Moreover, those who home school their children are likely to gravitate to a third set of associations.
We believers of Christian Reformed persuasion generally hold to the idea that parents who make baptismal vows are obligated to send their children to Christian school, if there is such a school within driving distance. It so happens that not every family has an income that allows it to pay full tuition, especially if the family has more than one child. So sometimes, a church decides that it should help that family by supplementing the cost of Christian education. This demonstrates the solidarity of the community of faith where those who have much share with those who have less. It’s a program that works admirably as long as the large majority has a high income. However, it breaks down where the large majority does not have sufficient income.
This system of covenantal responsibility and unity also breaks down if a church member with a lower income, a member of the struggling class, does not lead an exemplary life. It’s a strictly guarded secret how much aid a particular family gets, but in a tight community people suspect who it might be and feel free to criticize if the family takes a trip to Disney World, “something that we responsible stewards of our finances would not do,” or signs a lease for a new car. Struggling Joe’s family belongs, yet it really does not belong. It is not in the same class as the rest of the church. His children, too, are not invited to the same parties and they cannot meet the expectations of others, like the ability to take outings to a ski resort, for example, unless it is subsidized by fundraisers. Subsidizing a church or school program for someone in the struggling class is a way of making contact and being intimately involved in people’s lives, but because of its structure, it can only include a few. It cannot be offered to the community at large.
Another way of making friends with those of the struggling class is by sponsoring a mobile food pantry once a month. This is an opportunity to meet a felt need of many low-income people. If a volunteer from the church, hands out literature (gospel tracts, invitations, scriptures, etc) and talks with people and prays with those who mention a problem, the church will begin to connect with some of the clients.
I have done this at a couple of churches for several years; and although I’m a volunteer, the people often ask me, “Are you the pastor?” If the pastor does this, I’m sure that people would confide in him and seek him out for spiritual help. If he must deny a request for rent money, for example, he will have opportunity to explain the mission of the church and how the people can be part of it. Connected in this way with the pastor, some may feel drawn to worship.
We need to guard ourselves from thinking that our generosity will cause people to be thankful, and that this thankfulness is a step they are making in becoming a disciple of Christ. The use of worldly power and privilege to exert influence over others does not foster true fellowship in the body of believers. What is likely to happen is that those who are touched by the gospel in this way will probably seek fellowship in other churches, maybe a mega-church where they can attend anonymously. Having been injured in some way in the past, they test the waters and only dive in when they feel secure. In their hiding, they find safety, and in their freedom, they can decide when they want to go forward at an altar call or join a small group.
Jodi, her pastor, and members of the close-knit mono-culture suburban style church meet people of the struggling class all the time. Jodi and many like her are in close contact with people at work and learn of their struggles with children, an unfaithful spouse, with debt, etc. Some church members get to know a certain waiter or waitress at a favorite restaurant. The struggling class is everywhere, but at the same time far away. Our relationships are often formal and superficial. Opportunities to share the gospel are limited and often fleeting. We frequently recognize them when the opportune time has gone. We kick ourselves because we blew it, but it’s a step in the right direction if we’ve recognized that there was that opportunity.
Because our worlds are so far apart, it is necessary for us to become like missionaries who travel to a foreign country, learn its language, reside in its land and in a certain way subject ourselves to its rules. The Apostle Paul did this to win the people of the various cultures where he ministered. He wrote in 1 Corinthians 9:19-23,
“Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.”
To place ourselves in a position where others are teachers and we are students, where they own the place and we are clients, where they are in and we are out, makes us feel very uncomfortable and insecure; but it is the way to be as one struggling when we meet those who are struggling. When we moved to Brazil in 1967 as missionaries, we saw the children playing and heard them talk with each other. They could speak much better than we could. Our minds were thinking like university students, but our tongues were babbling like a babe in a crib. I always depended upon their love and kindness to overlook my weakness and ignorance. We need to approach members of the struggling class in the same way,
I believe that the best place to meet people is in their homes, the place that is theirs and where they regulate life as they want. The question then becomes, “How do I become a guest in someone’s home?” Sometimes, since we are neighbors, we bring a card or a small loaf of my wife’s home-baked bread at Christmas time. Some have invited us in and this has led to a conversation of a spiritual nature
To make an evangelistic call is more difficult, but it is not impossible. A boys’ club or girls’ club leader is likely to meet one of the parents of a community child. A leader can be right up front, “It’s so wonderful to have your child in our club. He’s just like one of us. Could I stop by your place to get to know you and your family better. Is that OK? What would be a good time?” On this visit, it would not be difficult to ask, “How did your child hear about the kids’ club? How did your child like it? What were some of the highlights? What did you think of your son’s activities? Are there any issues that came up that we could address to make the program better?” The leader can ask about the family, its background, work, etc. He or she can say too, “I’d like to share what motivates us and what is the most precious thing in my life.” Then continue to talk about the love of Jesus and what he desires of us. After a couple visits, the leader might ask, “Would you like to study the Bible with me?”
Initial contact can be made on the job, knocking on doors to leave an invitation, or when we meet someone on a neighborhood prayer walk. This is not fruitless. Once I dedicated an hour a week to walk the streets of a trailer court. I knocked on a door, and introduced myself in this way, “We recently moved to this area and found a church we really like. Would you accept an invitation?” In three months, I had knocked on the door of every trailer and four families visited the church worship service. I also identified some families who could use some help in buying gifts for their children at Christmas time. One woman who was deathly ill was cured by the anointing of oil and prayer (James 5:14,15). After visiting the church several times, she fell back into a life of prostitution. This was a woman who grew up in a home of Reformed persuasion and then married a non-believer of a different culture from whom she was separated. She had a concerned sister, a member of a suburban Reformed church who tried to help, to no avail.
Still another way of making friends with people of the struggling class is to hold a back yard Bible club, a Vacation Bible School of one class, one teacher, one helper with one host home where children who live nearby hear a Bible story, learn a memory verse, sing songs, do a craft, play games and learn how to pray. At the conclusion of the sessions, the volunteers can visit the home to present a Bible study book to the parents and show how to read a story to their child is done. Some of the parents visited in this way have read all the Bible stories several times.
I believe it is important never to misrepresent our intentions. We might say right up front, “Could we meet for lunch at a restaurant, or could I come to your place to talk about what the Bible says about what it means to be a Christian? I would love to get to know you better. I’d love to hear your story.” They can accept, but we give them the freedom to turn us down. Respecting them even in this is recognizing their dignity and their responsibility. It’s important that we do what God wants and trust His Holy Spirit to have prepared the way in their heart even before we made contact.