DISCIPLESHIP AND RECONCILIATION
In the very act of accepting Christ and seeking to follow him, new believers will be dealing with their relationships. They need to stop continuing in sin and this may cause some old friends to withdraw. They may have to say to others, “I’m quitting this. The reason is that I have a new Leader. It is not me and it is not you. It’s Jesus.”
At the same time, we will need to teach new disciples how to resolve conflict situations. Some relationships, like parent-child or husband-wife, need to be restored. By confessing our own sins, we can help the new believers confess their sins, thus taking the first step towards restoration. Further, our aim is to bring the convert into the family of God. If anger, bitterness and rage are not dealt with, these emotions can destroy relationships within the body of Christ. As a family of God, we need to be brothers and sisters who live reconciled one with another.
Broken relationships are a huge problem in our society, especially in the struggling class. It’s rare to find people who can trace their heritage beyond their grandparents. People move into and out of marital relationships, into one church and then out and then quit church altogether, into one job and then on to another. Some may cling to a very unhealthy relationship that is akin to oppressive bondage. They fear brutal, even murderous retaliation if they were to speak up and leave.
As they disciple new believers, church leaders will be called upon to help them make God-honoring decisions, and to help restore broken relationships and make them healthy. This is probably the most difficult and heart-wrenching part of discipleship. We live in solidarity with the new convert and feel their pain. We can speak the will of God into that situation, but it is still the convert’s responsibility to obey and suffer through the consequences. We need to let go and trust that they feel and know Christ’s companionship through it all. They have to do it, but as we watch and pray, we suffer along with them. We too need to trust that God will fulfill his promises.
Books have been written about forgiveness and reconciliation, but what follows are a few passages of Scripture that have been helpful to me. They have helped guide me to restore relationships without my being torn apart trying to please individuals holding conflicting positions. This is just a short outline but it has helped pull me back to the basics. Reconciliation with God is the model and foundation of our reconciliation with others.
To be reconciled, both sides need to make changes. In our relationship with God, God took the first step. The eternal Son became human and bore the curse of our sin and paid its punishment on the cross (2 Corinthians 5:21). “He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world” (1 John 2:2). In this way God has been reconciled to us. Instead of being hostile towards us, he is now favorably inclined towards us, not counting people’s sins against them. He forgave the sin of the world and does not hold it against them (2 Corinthians 5:18,19).
Based upon God’s work, the Apostle Paul pleads, “We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God” (2 Corinthians 5:20). On our part, we need to recognize and confess our own sin. We need to repent, change our minds and adopt God’s position and submit to it. Instead of being hostile towards God, blaming him for our troubles, and excusing our faults, we are now favorably inclined towards him. Instead of charging him with evil, we recognize his loving intent towards us and embrace it. This is a life-long process that molds our life into conformity with Christ. This then is the model that we follow in becoming reconciled to others.
In a conflict situation, the first thing that we must do is listen to what the other person is saying. They are accusing us of something. What have they seen or heard from us? In our opinion, they may not be interpreting the situation correctly. That may or may not be true; but either way, we need to understand their point of view.
Then we need to examine ourselves to discover what we indeed have done wrong. Where is my life not in conformity to God’s will? Do I really love that person? Am I judging and making decisions based on only partial and erroneous information? Have I failed to keep promises? Do I say one thing and do another? Do I hide and keep secrets and use that to my advantage? I need to come to a point where I can say, “Do you mean to say . . . .?” (rephrase the other person’s accusation). “I can understand why you think this way. I indeed did do this” (admit and confess my sin). “Will you please forgive me?” (Seek their answer). “Will you come alongside me to help me make the change that I need to make?”
We need to confess our sin as soon as possible. In Ephesians 4:24, Paul writes, “‘In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” Moreover, in Matthew 5:25, Jesus teaches us, “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison.”
If we have sinful behavior, it is often habitual. By asking for help, we are giving the other person the right to correct us when we err, and we will not contradict or get angry when they do. What we are doing is letting our adversary become God’s agent to purify us.
The next thing we need to do is to forgive what the other person has done to hurt us. Here we need to do what God did for us—absorb the cost and not take vengeance. Our sense of justice drives us to pay back and get even, but that is not our job; it is God’s. Paul gives us plenty to think about and act upon in Romans 12:14-21.
“Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. . . . Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written, ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord. On the contrary: ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
To “heap burning coals” on our enemy’s head by returning good for evil does not mean that it is our desire to inflict mental anguish and punishment on our enemy. It means rather that the person may feel ashamed and convicted of their evil. When we read about the suffering and cruelty inflicted upon Christ and realize that he was innocent, while we were the sinful and guilty ones; and that it was for us that he died, we begin to sense our own shame and guilt. In this way, Jesus “heaps burning coals on our head.”
If we, on the other hand, return evil for evil, if judge and condemn and pay them back in like manner, they will feel justified in continuing to treat us with contempt and evil. Instead of feeling guilt, they instead feel a sense of righteousness. Because they feel themselves righteous, they will not repent. They will not feel the need to make a change.
This conforms to the teaching of Jesus in his Sermon on the Mount, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44). In this way we imitate God who lavishes his gifts of rain and sunshine upon both the just and the unjust (Matthew 5:45).
Finally, we have a natural tendency to try to find allies to sympathize with us and take our side in the conflict. We’ll share the “facts” from our perspective and omit what is self-condemning. Instead of doing this, we must go to our adversary and point out his or her fault, just between the two of us (Matthew 18:15). While we do this, let us be ready to listen to their point of view. This may modify our judgment. It may also cause us to make changes in ourselves. This often ends the matter. If it doesn’t, we need to seek help from some wise, mature believer or church leader (Matthew 18:16-17).
God doesn’t want us to suffer in silence, absorb condemnation until we are depressed and filled with guilt, or run away and abandon ship.
A helpful book about forgiveness is Lewis B. Smedes’ Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve (San Francisco: Harper and Row, 1985). We need to understand that this is one side of the equation. For reconciliation to occur the other person must do the same. I look for the other person to change his behavior—I change to conform to God’s will; he changes to conform to God’s will. The result is unity between us both. If the other person is slow to recognize his or her own faults and change, I will not let that hold me back. Unilaterally, I will submit to Christ and do what he wants me to do. When someone converts, he or she must go through this process in dealing with family members, friends or colleagues. When I decide to follow Christ, I enter into conflict with my sin and the world that is under the control of the evil one. God through Christ is reconciled to me; I, through confession and faith, am reconciled to God. As God forgave me, I forgive others. I absorb the pain and count the cost, but I call those around me to recognize their sin as well and to be reconciled to me. At its heart this is evangelism and discipleship working its way out in our relationships.